Darkness
by GPR
Summary: Remus dreads Christmas- he dreads it because he'll see her again. Tonks/Remus. Angst.


AN: Just something I was compelled to write, as I'm doing this as my english coursework (not this specific piece, this is just a practice of sorts) reviews very much appriciated :)

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Christmas was the season Lupin had been dreading spending at Grimmauld place. The house, though crumbling here and there, had been decked in tinsel of the most vivid shades of green and red he could have imagined, the tree already stood erect in the corner of the kitchen (the most warm and inviting room in the whole house), and the gentle hum of Christmas songs echoed throughout the entire house, accompanied only by the soporific ticking's of the clocks and soft laughter of those downstairs. It was, all in all, a very welcoming ambiance that radiated all over the building. Whatever room he stood in, the constant smell of cooking and sound of genial voices seemed to follow him like a curious puppy, unwilling to leave its master's side.

All pleasantries aside, he couldn't shake the constant anxiety from his mind, and, before long, he began to feel a knot forming in his chest.

Molly had already arrived two days ago- and he knew full well to expect her brood (with the addition of Hermione and Harry) follow within the next few days, which heightened his spirits significantly.

Soon enough the anxiety dissipated with the imminent arrival of the others, and he found time to sit downstairs with Molly and Sirius, a cup of warm tea clasped in his hands as they chatted merrily amongst each other.

"Well, really I thought I'd make some mushroom soup tonight, Sirius, if that's not too mundane for you?" Mrs Weasley retorted to Sirius' question of what was to eat.

He seemed to contemplate this momentarily before nodding in thought, "Mushroom… should be interesting. Never had it before."

Mrs Weasley seemed to smile as though he had said something she'd been meaning to hear, "I'm sure you'd love it."

She returned to the concoction bubbling away on the stove, swirling it around a great deal with her wand.

"Oh, and Remus," she began, whipping around so quickly a flick of soup was flung across the room and splattered upon the table top, "The others will be arriving some time later. I forgot to mention it, seeing as we hadn't seen you in awhile."

He looked up from his paper, slightly shocked, "Really? I thought they weren't coming for another day or two at least."

The soup caught her attention once again as it began to rise dangerously, "They thought it would be better if we were altogether… who knows who will be left in a year or two?"

"Ah." He murmured into his mug, taking in a long draught as his heart thudded heavily against his chest, the thought of one or more of them not seeing the end of the war weighing heavily on his mind.

The sound of the door was enough to stop his heart.

Molly Weasley frowned, "Sounds like they're early."

Lupin waited, his ears straining to hear the familiar thud.

"C'mon, stop draggin' you're feet boy." The gruff voice of Mad-Eye echoed through the kitchen door, shortly followed by Kingsley's laughter and several murmuring voices.

Lupin dared to breathe, the fear vanishing once again.

And then the all too familiar crashing sound reverberated loudly off the walls, awaking Mrs Black who took up her unrelenting screeching, "FILTH, MUDBLOOD, TRAITORS!"

"Oh shit…" Sirius began, but before he could get to his feet, Lupin had already sprinted to the door.

"Have you finished your tea Remus?" Molly asked, a look of shock adorning her face.

His hand was on the door as he spoke, "I need the-"

The deafening thud and a flash of pink were the only things he registered as he whipped out of the kitchen, bowling someone over with the sheer force of the door colliding with their face.

Automatically, Lupin's hands had flown out to grab their robes and hoist them upwards, but he lost his footing, causing him to stagger and send them both crashing to the floor.

His head hit the bottom step with a sickening crack on the way down, his body heavily pinning down his unfortunate victim as his vision blurred.

Both of them lay there for a few seconds, in too much pain to move.

"My God, are the pair of you alright?" Mrs Weasley's voice sprung from the doorway.

"Merlin Remus, get off before you do anymore damage to her!" Cried Mad-Eye, yanking him up roughly by the elbow. He stumbled slightly to his knees, his eyes barely focusing on the floored figure of Tonks.

"Nymphadora… I…" he began pathetically, his head throbbing with the effort to think of a decent apology.

She merely sat up dazed, blood pouring from her nose.

"FLITH OF SATAN!"

"Oh will you please shut up mother!" Roared Sirius, his wand flicking in the painting's direction and silencing it immediately.

"Let's get these two upstairs Mad-Eye. The rest of you go to the kitchen, we shan't be long." Mrs Weasley bustled about; bring Tonks to her feet as Mad-Eye brought Lupin to his.

The four of them found their way upstairs and into the library quickly- Moody attempting to stem the heavy flow of blood seeping from Tonks' nose and down her lips and chin. She angrily batted him away, clearly she didn't trust him with a wand pointed at her face.

Lupin simply looked on through a haze of colour, his eyesight distorted by the force of the fall. Molly seated him in a chair by the open fire, flicking her wand in its direction so it burst into life, flames licking up the side of the grate.

"Thanks Molly," he murmured, embarrassed and a little ashamed at the situation he had put Tonks in, "But you needn't fuss over me, I should be fine in a few minutes-"

"Nonsense," she dismissed with a wave of her hand, "I'll bring up some soup for you two in a minute. It's best you get yourself together. Now, where does it hurt?"

"Er…" he was grateful for her natural mothering nature, even if she was only a couple of years older than him, but he longed to leave- he longed to get as far away from Tonks as possible, "I… er, my forehead. I'm a bit dizzy-"

"I think I've got something for that downstairs actually," she grinned, turning on Tonks who was furiously pushing Mad-Eye away, "And what about you?"

Molly's question distracted her momentarily, "Just a broken nose-"

"Episki." Mad-Eye cried in triumph.

"Ah! Fucking hell Moody!" She glowered dangerously at him, eyes alight with a ferociousness Lupin couldn't help but admire as his sight became a little sharper.

"I'll get some wet towels," Molly offered, ushering Mad-Eye out with her as she pulled the door to, "I'll be back soon."

Lupin grimaced. If he wasn't careful he'd become as clumsy as Tonks. He glanced across to where she sat; eyes squeezed shut and hands holding her nose in an attempt to stem the flood of blood dribbling down her chin.

He didn't think he could feel any worse. Carefully, he staggered to his feet, and slowly made his way over to her.

"Let me take a look." His voice was slow, methodical- like a hushed whisper. He gingerly knelt down at her feet, feeling the unrelenting pounding of his brain against his skull, but he tried to block it out as best as he could.

He had hurt her. The guilt and anger it caused flared up inside him, and he knew he couldn't forgive himself.

"Nymphadora, please, let me see…" Lupin pleaded, his hand tentatively coming to rest on hers, which covered her bloody nose. He pulled gently, relieved she complied, her eyes flittering open.

"I'm fine Remus." She mumbled though blood stained lips.

"No, you're not," he murmured sternly, resting her hand on her lap before his returned to her face, wiping away a fresh stream of blood that thinly trickled from her nostril, "I'm so sorry Dora."

Lupin saw the flush of red on her cheeks, and found his eyes lingering on hers, a little longer than he knew they should have done. He paused, his hand falling away to rest gently on her knee, "What is it?"

"You… you called me Dora." She looked at him as though he should have known the significance of what he had just said. He merely stared at her dumbly.

"So?"

"So… only my dad calls me that," she paused, intense eyes fixated on his, "And another thing, you know I don't like being called Nymphadora."

Lupin let a ghostly smile flicker across his lips, "I'm sorry, Tonks."

Tonks avoided his gaze, almost mumbling, "Well… I didn't say I didn't like the Dora thing."

She waved a dismissive hand as though it really meant nothing, but he knew it really did.

He smiled slightly, "Okay, Dora, it's a deal."

Tonks sighed. He could be so difficult sometimes. She often felt like she was attempting to bend a plank of wood without breaking it- and failing miserably.

"Why are you avoiding me, Remus?" Her voice delicate, attentive- although somewhat solemn.

Lupin felt his heart sink. So she'd noticed? She'd noticed the quick escapisms, the long winded excuses of why he was needed elsewhere, the feigned interest of everyone in the room but her…

How much more had she noticed? The stolen glances in her direction, the studying of her soft, curved features… did she already know about his stifled pining?

"Tonks I-"

She looked teary eyed as she pushed his hand away from the warmth of her knee, "If you have such a profound dislike of me Remus, why don't you just come out and say it? You find me annoying, don't you?"

She gazed at his stricken face, feeling the impending tears threatening to spill, "Of course you do! Why wouldn't you? I'm like a bull in a bloody china shop, I break everything in sight, I can change my appearance- oh, I saw your face the night Ginny asked me to do a duck impression… you must think I'm a freak!"

"God… Dora, no, I-"

"Stop being so frigging civil Remus," she hiccupped slightly, the tears clouding up her eyes, "Why else would you avoid me?"

The door opened then, and Molly bustled in, unaware of the drama which had been unfolding- only to wrap itself back up in the blink of an eyelid as Tonks smiled appreciatively at the warm, damp towels Molly handed her.

Remus merely stared in mild disbelief, still at Tonks' feet.

Molly scowled at him, "God heavens Remus, what on earth are you doing? You'll do yourself some serious damage being down there with the fall you took."

"I… I was just making sure Tonks was okay-"

"She's fine, she's fine," Molly battered away his protests with a wave of her hand, before dragging him to his feet and sitting him back down in his respective chair, " I'll just nip off and get you two some soup. Back in a jiffy."

And with that, she was gone.

Silence followed.

"I'm… I'm sorry I hurt you, Tonks." He croaked, struggling to find his own voice.

She simply shrugged, "It's not your fault. You had no idea I was behind the door-"

"No…" he sighed, resting his throbbing head against the back of the armchair, "I mean… I mean…"

He waved between them.

"What?" She barely spoke above a whisper.

His eyes met hers once again, "I'm sorry I've been acting horribly towards you for the past month or so. It was… completely disgusting of me to have done so… and… and I'm truly sorry."

His eyes held a sudden depth to them, although she couldn't figure out exactly why, "I… I know I'm not the most likeable person but could we… could we try just to be friends? I mean to say… I really like you, Remus."

Lupin's forced smile was filled with a hint of melancholy, "I like you too, Dora, and I think… I think that's why we can never really be friends."

Tonks felt her heart stop. Had she just heard him right?

"I… I don't understand."

"I have had, Dora, for the past month or so-"

Molly burst through the door once again, flustered, a tea tray with two bowls and mugs balanced haphazardly on top clasped in her hands.

She set it down swiftly, "George has let off some enchanted firework upstairs, sorry I can't stay to chat very long."

She sprinted from the room, skidding along the hallway and out of site.

A few moments later and her booming voice, full of fury, came down through the ceiling.

Tonks risked a look at Lupin.

He winced at her piercing gaze, "I… I can't do this, I'm sorry."

"What? Remus, please!" she begged as he rose from his chair, staggering slightly and steadying himself by supporting his weight on the chair.

She found herself flying to her feet, clinging desperately to the faint hope he'd given her that really, he wasn't avoiding her because hated her, but because he-

"Please… Remus…" she was beside him in a second, face inches from his although she barely noticed, "Please… tell me…"

"I…" he looked away sheepishly, the shame already evident in his grey eyes, "… this matter is best unresolved."

Tonks met his gaze, his unadulterated, pain ridden gaze.

"I… I have feelings, Remus, I don't quite know what to do about," She sighed, her eyes wandering, "I've desperately sought your approval since I joined the Order… and it's just felt like… all this time you've… resented me, and it's something I can't do a damn thing to change."

Lupin paused, "You're right, this won't change. It _can't_ change, Dora."

He made an attempt to walk to the door, but as soon as she realised what he was doing, Tonks' small hands grabbed the front of his robes, pulling him even closer.

He felt the soft graze of her breath on his lips, smelt the faint traces of peppermint and alcohol, the warmth which seemed to radiate from her. Her eyes were heavy lidded, and he slowly realised she was staring intently at his lips. His eyes fell on the soft, delicate curve of her own. Tonks inched closer as the pain continued to throb painfully at the front of his head, he couldn't think, couldn't think either straight or rationally.

Her lips brushed tantalisingly close to his, and Lupin felt his eyes flutter closed against his better judgement.

It was hardly a kiss, yet he still felt the shiver down his spine.

Tonks pressed her lips ever so gently to his bottom lip, before pulling away to press even lighter kisses on his upper lip and the corners of his mouth.

"Tell me Remus…" she breathed, sounding almost like a contented sigh.

Still lost in his hazy stupor where he was aware of nothing but her sweet kisses, he murmured every so quietly, so much so that it was quite indistinguishable.

Tonks only heard the faint whisper of her name and regrettably pulled back to gaze at him, "Remus?"

He shook his head, thought and rationality retuning to him.

"I… I'm sorry, Dora," Lupin held her at arms length, eyes downcast at her unmoving, unreadable expression, "I am too old for you… too much hassle, a pauper, a monster. I cannot… I won't do this to you… I… I couldn't forgive myself."

He pulled away, away from her inviting warmth, away from the comfort of her lips, instantly regretting it, but knowing it had to be done.

Lupin thought bitterly that his irrational foreboding of Christmas had been right. Only, he'd dreaded seeing her, having feelings deep within him stirred, he just hadn't… hadn't expected her to do something like this. His mind was in turmoil, her only ever caused her pain.

The darkness was already setting in.

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Thanks for reading,

GPR


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